
glamberson
- December 3rd, 11:48
Fascinating, captain.
I can't think of a single Steven Seagal movie I really liked, although I remember critics falling all over themselves for ABOVE THE LAW and UNDER SIEGE, which I accept were perfectly "okay" action movies. I didn't enjoy ABOVE THE LAW because I was too distracted by Seagal's claims that it was based on a true story and that he had "done work" for the CIA, which the CIA patently denied. But they would do that, wouldn't they?
I'll give Seagal's flicks credit, though: they were more interesting than Chuck Norris's films. In general, I find all of the Caucasian Chop Socky Kings to be jokes. And I'll take both Seagal and Norris over Van Damme. And Seagal made a really bad movie that was at least about protecting the environment, whereas Norris has proven himself to be a complete right wing "Christian" tool. Sorry, Republicans, but as my wife says, real Christians do not support war.
But I digress like I'm on Shocklines.
I've always found Seagal's personal life and antics more interesting than his slickly made films. There was his marriage and divorce to THE WOMAN IN RED, Kelly LeBrock; the messy lawsuit involving shady, potentially, mafia involved businessmen, pharmaceuticals and movies - I liked that one because Mr. Macho ran to the cops fast when he thought his life might be in trouble.
Now that the Caucasian Chop Socky Kings are "middle aged" and older, they're even more entertaining. Chuck Norris is the most annoying of the three - he had brown hair once, and then he went blond for his movie career, and I think red for his ridiculous TV show, and now his beard looks like it's painted on. Following in the footsteps of David Carradine, he does TV commercials that mock his former image (without him realizing it), he stumps for politicians who push anti-gay policies, and he does infomercials. Hey, an old dude's gotta keep bringing in the green to maintain the lifestyle of i blond, Born Again, ex-model wife, right? I'm waiting for him to do a cable TV Christmas movie.
Van Damme's career is basically over. After years of cocaine, whoring and other bad behavior, and after Chuck Zito kicked his ass in the since shuttered for criminal activity strip club Scores, he's proven himself to be little more than a drug fueled pussy. I've not seen the recent film in which he plays himself; I hear it's real good and he's real good in it. Maybe the hard times have taught him a little humility.
and what about Stevie Seagal? He sort of disappeared, didn't he? Maybe he was on some globe trotting secret adventures for the CIA, or maybe he was hiding out from those mafia guys he ratted on. Or maybe he was just waiting for the right wacky politician or gym equipment to throw him a few bucks to spread his legs and cheeks to be their pitchman
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
As the new A & E series(remember when the Arts & Entertainment Channel and Bravo showed arts and entertainment instead of reality shows? Remember when right wing assholes told wanted to eliminate funding for PBS because people could get their share of culture on these now ridiculous cable channels?) STEVEN SEAGAL, LAWMAN informs us, Stevie has been a SHERIFF'S DEPUTY IN LOUISIANA FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS! 20 years? This is no reality show stunt, it's not even a movie stunt. I HAD to watch. And I'm gonna watch again!
SS:LM is COPS with a movie star. Seagal and his partner drive around in a police department SUV while Seagal delivers his somber accounts of police work - with all the hyperbole and gravitas of a good cop character - to the camera. And then he goes into action! We see helicopters, foot patrols and screeching tires. Seagal handles the usual family disputes and rowdy bar patrons, and helps disarm a shotgun wielding thug ("Tase him! Tase him!"). As I watched Seagall handle one dispute I thought, "What would it be like if a chubby, jowly, Steven Seagall, minus his trademark ponytail, showed up at my door in response to a 911 call?" And sure enough, we see what happens: those people who would usually be screaming and crying on COPS want Deputy Seagal's autograph, and he's happy to oblige them!
Seagal comes off very interesting in this show. He's super serious in the camera interviews, and lets us know that he still takes his martial arts persona to heart. He's friendly when dealing with non-criminals, and he's one of the guys when he's hanging out with the boys in blue. He's fat enough to be a southern cop and he's got the accent to go with it.
But here's the part, the amazing part. Steven Seagal is a crack shot. When a cop buddy needs to pass a firearms test, Seagal takes him to the range to pass on some Zen like lessons on target practice. And holy shit, he's a better shot than any action hero in any action movie, putting a bullet hole through another bullet hole like Robin Hood with a bow and arrow, and blowing the head off a match stick! Ever the perfectionist, Seagal is embarrassed because e meant to LIGHT the match! Watching this sequence I wanted to clap and shout, "I do believe in faeries, I do, I do!" Better yet: when the cop goes to take his test - which he passes, thanks to the lessons of Master Seagal - we see two of the instructors nodding their heads while Stevie continues to babble on about martial arts, their eyes glazing over. It's clear that this guy never shuts up!
We only get to see Seagal employ martial arts while giving a demonstration to his fellow officers, and this was clearly staged for the cameras. I also thought some of the "coverage" used in the police response scenes was staged; it's kind of jarring to see the typical COPS coverage of two cops taking a radio call in their car intercut with a static, tripod shot of someone running out of their house calling for help.
But this is an entertaining half hour that left me wanting more, and left me fascinated by the subject the whole time. How much of this guy is bullshit? How much of him is real? How much of him is REEL? 20 years is a long time to pull a stunt, and now he's eligible to collect a cop's pension! I'll watch again, and hope that one day we'll see STEVEN SEAGAL: CIA SECRET AGENT or STEVEN SEAGAL: HIDING OUT IN WITNESS PROTECTION.