Michael Louis Calvillo passed away on Monday, April 30th, 2012 after a long and courageous battle with cancer. Although I can count on one hand the number of times I saw Michael in person, we corresponded regularly and I considered him a good friend; I hope he thought of me the same way. As Ben Ethridge (the writer Benjamin Kane Ethridge) wrote me, even though we knew this day would come eventually, it was still impossible to prepare for emotionally. I’m surprised my keyboard still works after all the tears I've dumped on it.
I met Michael in 2008, when I was in L.A. for Book Expo America, where Medallion Press launched the trade paperback edition of JOHNNY GRUESOME. I knew him somewhat as a guy with a funny Italian name on the Horror Writers Association message board. He suggested we get together at BEA and I was delighted to do so. When I met him, he was with his wife Michelle, and that’s how I’ll always think of him: as one half of that couple, because they were perfect for each other. He had one of those laid back California voices, but he spoke 500 words per minute. The three of us had an overpriced lunch in an overcrowded cafeteria, and then he was off! As I struggled to keep sight of him winding through the aisles of book dealers, I wondered how Michelle managed to keep up with him all the time – and yet obviously she did. Along with his hyper enthusiasm, he had an infectious smile.
I edited a horror entertainment website called Fear Zone, and I hired Michael to review video games. I loved his columns, which are about so much more than those games. Read them – they’re archived – and you’ll learn plenty about Michael, and you’ll agree that he was so obviously a real writer:
http://www.fearzone.com/category/gaming-zoneI enjoyed having an editorial relationship with Michael which consisted mostly of lengthy email exchanges late at night which had very little to do with the site or his column; we discussed the HWA, his love for the 80s flick BLOOD DINER, and authors with insufferable egos. As you can imagine, this is how our friendship grew. I was flattered when he asked me for advice, and more flattered when he told me that my advice was correct; I had slightly more publishing experience than him, but he had already written more books than me.
Five months after BEA, Michael came to a signing I had for GRUESOME and CHEAP SCARES at Dark Delicacies in L.A. Michelle wasn’t with him, but Ben Ethridge, a fellow writer whose work Michael frequently praised to me, was. In my mind, I see Michael with Ben almost as much as I do Michael with Michelle; they seemed inseparable. Even now I laugh when I see pictures of them together (and I’m touched, too): whether Michael is healthy or ill, seeing them makes me think of of Bruce Banner standing side by side with the Hulk.
Michael wrote a review of CHEAP SCARES for Fear Zone, and as with his video game reviews, I learned things about him I hadn’t known, such as his earlier interest in filmmaking. It is my favorite review of the book:
http://fearzone.com/blog/cheap-lambersonSeven months later, I was in L.A. again, this time for the Bram Stoker Awards. I had Tamar and Kaelin with me, and at the awards banquet Michael and Michelle joined our party. It was a great night even though there were no winners at our table.
Sometime after that, I read Michael’s novel AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT and it blew me away; I made it a mission to do everything I could to promote that book. We debuted the cover on Fear Zone; ran a preview; Norman Rubenstein reviewed it (
http://www.fearzone.com/blog/macabre-fate); and I conducted this interview with Michael, one year after our first meeting:
http://www.fearzone.com/blog/calvillo-interviewIn July of 2009, I shot SLIME CITY MASSACRE. Shortly before shooting, Michael told me that he and Michelle were planning a trip to NYC, and he wondered if it would be okay if they swung by Buffalo to see some of the shooting. I explained that Buffalo is an eight hour drive from NYC, or a one hour flight; we’re not the sixth borough. To my surprise, he said that didn’t matter; they’d never seen Buffalo, and were happy to make the side trip part of their vacation. I admit to being touched. When they arrived, it turned out that we’d had to change our shooting schedule, so there was no production activity going on. But I was able to invite them to a restaurant for a dinner I held for Lloyd Kaufman, and I was pleased that this seemed like a great idea to them. It was nice to have them both over to my house before going to the restaurant – something I never imagined would happen - so they had a chance to see Tamar and Kaelin, who stayed home. Only a handful of writers have been to our house. Michael was drawn to Lloyd, and Tamar enjoyed getting to know Michelle away from the Stokers. There were eight of us at that dinner, and I remember Michelle chastising Michael when he came in from the patio with smoke on his breath.
“I asked Lloyd for a cigarette,” Michael said. “How many times in my life can I say that I smoked a cigarette with Lloyd Kaufman?”
Michelle just laughed. It was a great night, and I was so happy that my friends from California were a part of it. As I recall, nobody had a better time than RJ Sevin… When I dropped Michael and Michelle off at their hotel, I was grateful that they had come and wished I’d been able to spend more time with them (Derek Clendening served as their tour guide earlier in the afternoon). I had no idea that would be the last time I’d see Michael in person.
By the end of 2009, Fear Zone shuttered, a victim of the economy. Michael and I kept in touch, but not as frequently as we had. I remember him writing me how excited he was about several upcoming books – it was never just one with Michael! – and that he had an interview appearing soon in Rue Morgue. We both believed that he had turned a corner, and that big things were going to start happening for him. And then Ben posted the shocking news that his friend – our friend – had Cancer Unknown Primary. Forgive me if I get any dates or time frames wrong – I regret not saving emails and PM exchanges with Michael, and also with Ben. At one point it seemed that Michael might only have three months to live, and that the insurance plan he and Michelle were on might screw them over; fortunately, neither was the case. Michael was like a gathering storm at first, figuring out what he needed to focus his mind on, but when he wrote me, “I’m going to kick this cancer’s ass,” I believed him.
Thanks to social networking, or because of it, anyone who wanted to a part of Michael’s fight – and Michelle’s, and their daughter Deja’s – had the opportunity to do so. Michelle started the Caring Journal for Michael, and between his page and hers, anyone could support Michael along the way. Some people don’t believe in the power of positive thought, but I do (and even though I’m an atheist, I consider prayer positive thought). Michael started a blog on his website; ironically, the website is called “Michael Louis Calvillo Must Be Destroyed” – he never changed the name, as if to say, “You’re not taking me.”
I remained in contact with Michael, and spoke to Michelle on the phone a couple of times. Remembering Michael’s fondness for BLOOD DINER, I contacted Jackie Kong, the film’s director, and asked her if she could send something to Michael to lift his spirits, or maybe call him. I’m not sure exactly how that played out, but I hope it had the desired effect. I didn’t know if Michael would live to see the Stokers in 2011, but he actually attended that event and the one this year as well. I wish I had made it to either one to see him, but it just wasn’t financially feasible. At one point Tamar looked for a factory for me to audit in California for our job, so I could stop by and say hello, but our auditors in California need to speak Spanish, which left me out. So I was essentially an observer, when I would have liked to have been able to offer more than online emotional support. I did write Michael once that I loved him, and back on January 16th I told him that I’d named one of the heroes in THE JULIAN YEAR “Ben Calvillo," which pleased him. On January 21st, he sent me an encouraging message regarding this year’s Stokers, and after I responded… nothing except for Facebook exchanges, most of them involving the “like” button. I’m still mad that he didn’t win the Stoker.
We tend to elevate our loved ones to sainthood when they pass away, but here’s what I experienced during the last year through the power of Facebook: Michael Calvillo was the most amazing and inspirational man I’ve ever known, and I’m a better person for having known him; I’m glad I may have given him some advice which he considered useful regarding the rather insignificant microcosm known as small press publishing, but he’s taught me much more than that – not only about facing death with grace and dignity, but about living life and love to its fullest with those you love, and wasting no time on the negative forces out there. His Facebook page is filled with tributes from friends, family members, colleagues, and readers, but also from his former high school Freshman English students, who praised him for being their “best” and “coolest” teacher, but also called him “friend” (some of them called him “best friend”). Michael was a talented author, which mattered a great deal to him, but he was a loving husband and father, a great friend, and a mentor who had a real impact on the lives around of him.
For a year and a half, I’ve seen the same photos that so many of you have: photo after photo of Michael…smiling. He never complained about the hideous hand that had been dealt him and the pain he suffered, and he never became bitter, but there he was, at restaurants, friends’ houses, events for Deja, signings, conventions…smiling. Enjoying life. And if you follow those photos in somewhat sequential order, you may become heartbroken as you see his body seemingly shrink into itself, but what I see is his smile becoming bigger. His inner light didn’t grow weaker as his body did, it grew brighter. Just weeks ago, a photo showed him in a hospital bed, surrounded by friends/family, and even though he was anxious to be released, he looked happy. I was happy when I learned he went home, and on April 18th, the day before my birthday, I posted on his Facebook page, “Free! Free at last!” and got affirmative “likes” from him and Michelle. On the 21st, M & M saw CABIN IN THE WOODS, and I was looking forward to Michael’s review, which never came; on the 23rd, Deja posted a funny photo of herself making a “Mac n’ Cheese run for Papa Miguel!”
After nine days in the hospital, Michael must have been desperate to get out. I’m glad that he got to spend some final quality time with the people who meant the most to him, and I hope the time was special for them too. From my own experience with my mother, who passed away from cancer in 2001, the body and subconscious know when the time has come.
On April 27th Michelle posted, “Friends and Loved Ones, as difficult as it is to write this, I know so many of you are very concerned about my sweet Michael... your prayers and love have carried him far. However, a series of complications has led Michael to a self-induced coma. He has been in the ICU since yesterday morning and his ability to come out of this remains uncertain. Please pray that Michael will have the strength to follow the path that gives him the peace and comfort he deserves.”
I hope that Michelle and Deja took the same sort of comfort from Michael’s ultimate passing that I took from my mother’s. Michelle has been every bit as amazing and inspiring as Michael: not only did she held that family together through an emotional ordeal, but she did so with an attitude as positive as Michael’s, and she updated his Caring Journal regularly, and when he was too sick to communicate with people, she kept us informed on his Facebook. She reiterated that positive support meant a lot to Michael, and there were no doubt days when she had to push him not to give up. I know from my comparatively brief experience that when a loved one is dying, you do what needs to be done, no questions asked, without feeling sorry for yourself; and yet the way she committed herself was nothing short of remarkable, and there’s no one I hold in greater esteem than I do her. She’s in those same photos as Michael, and her smiles are just as genuine. Look at them and you’ll see that she always has one hand on his chest or arm, giving him the support he needed.
In an August 17, 2011 blog entitled “The Rise and Fall of Michael Louis Calvillo,” Michael wrote, “Yes, Loyal Reader, I am being dramatic. The title of this post says it all. I don’t know what’s eating me, but I’m in a rare mood. Everything is all good. I’ve actually figured out the meaning of life (which is simple: to be in love), but still, I’m frustrated.” He went on to describe some medical procedures which frustrated him, but that’s not the point: these two were deeply in love.
I’ve never met Deja, but after Michael and Michelle’s visit to Buffalo in 2009, I’ve enjoyed following her academic and athletic achievements, and have always appreciated her parents’ pride in her accomplishments. It looks like she’s graduating from high school soon, which will no doubt be a bittersweet experience for her. Considering the two who raised her, she’s got a promising future and will be a quality human being.
Michael, I’m glad you’re at peace. I valued your friendship, and I’m proud to have known you. You’ve left your mark, as a writer, a teacher, and most importantly, as a family man.
Michelle, as Dell Howison wrote, you’ve been a rock. Tamar and I feel horrible for you and Deja, and we hope that both of you find all of the comfort you need during this trying next chapter. You both deserve peace and rest, and as much privacy as you need. The Lamberson household hopes we’ll be friends for a long time to come.
Love.
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